Sunday, June 29, 2014

What Does Alex Do on His Days Off?????

Well I was going to post something different here tonight, but what the hell, I had one of those spontaneous days.  And it was a nice day at that. 
Let's see, I got out of bed around 9, had breakfast, sat around for a bit and then decided it was time for a trip to the Niagara region.  So off we go, of course stopping at Planet Bean on the way out to get a cappuccino and an iced Americano.  It is a bit of a tradition when heading down that way and we didn't take the time to have any caffeinated beverages this morning.
So we pull off in the usual area in Grimsby and drive along the back roads and come across one of our usual vendors.  Moments later, cherries.  There is nothing like eating cherries in the car and spitting the seeds out the windows (hey they are organic and decompose).
So as usually happens, we stop at wineries, and this time we found 1 new one on the map, Back 10 Cellars. The ambiance in the winery is spectacular:  instead of a tasting bar, there are tasting tables and the owner serves the tastings himself.  It is a very rustic setting to say the least, in an old farmhouse.  We tried 3 wines:  Riesling, Rose and a Cab Franc.  All of them were spectacular, the Cab Franc aged in american oak quite surprisingly, but with new, 1, 2  and 3 year old barrels, producing a spectacular red wine.  The Riesling was full of mineral, but still true to the grape, an excellent balance for those who like this wine with a mild petrol taste.  The owner suggested we try our next destination, Kew Winery.
Kew Winery is located almost within Beamsville, and is up on a hill overlooking the road.  This winery is also set up in that there are tables for tasting rather than a bar. The house itself is old, has a very rustic setup, and awesome outdoor patio (today was a bit hot to do so).  So six wines later, the winner were the red made from mostly Cab Sauv and some Cab Franc, the Fume Blanc was a hit with me, but also an unusual wine, Marsanne Viognier.  It is a blend of 3 grapes, two of which are difficult to grow here in Ontario, while it is difficult enough to find anyone who does viognier.  I would suggest stopping here if you are interested in some really good wines.  The chardonnay is worth mentioning as well, a fine, crisp, but oak-aged beast full of vanilla and butter notes, but balanced such that it isn't over done on the oaking.
Now, onto the last tasting stop, my favorite distillery and one I might've have mentioned, Dillons Small Batch Distillery.  This place first came to my attention with its gin made from grapes no less, with 22 botanicals.  It kicks fucking ass.  They have had a cherry gin and rose gin I have wanted to taste, and well I got to taste them today.  The Cherry Gin is made from a more limited gin botanical wise, and is sweet enough to drink it neat, and it doesn't taste like cherry cough syrup either.  The rose gin is much similar, but of course tastes of roses.  This whole tasting led to a small conversation on the voodoo gin, as the server had not had it yet, and I warned him it was bright yellow gin, and when mixed with tonic, it turns to piss yellow and will give you some wicked ass dreams.  He has been warned.
The final part of the day was spent getting more cherries and then having a meal at Suisha Gardens in Niagara Falls, pretty much a twenty year tradition.
Then it was home.  Now I know for my overseas readers, it will be tough to get in to try any of these, for local readers, I always say get your ass down to Niagara and discover what it is all about, wineries and all.  A quick message to me and I can plan an entire tour for you, or if I have time, hell I will guide the tour.  With the impending fruit season, it is even more perfect as you can stop and get local fresh fruit and support all the local farmers (the owner at Back 10 Cellars offered to have me in to farm the land for a week, not knowing I did work 10 years on a farm. I just might do it).  The wines I tasted are only available at the wineries, and let's be clear here, with Niagara wines, the best are kept at the wineries.  Many of Dillons products are available at the LCBO and just plain rock. 
Next installment here, not sure yet, but I have a few written and ready to go!!

I was drinking this neat while writing this entry.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Sneak Peak - Conquest Part 1

OK, so here we go, the first of 2 sneak peaks of Conquest Book II in the Triumvirate Chronicles series.  In this segment, we see the actual principle antagonist introduced who only had one small scene in Book I Desperation (ha, I did something a bit unorthodox there, but not unheard of).  Hope you enjoy, and please check out my website:  www.alexanderdundass.ca  I will have this out in advance of Triumvirate, possibly coinciding with Con Bravo.



Lantara, Occupied Territories Member, Hegemony Forward Operations Base


In a populated part of the galaxy that had once belonged to the Territories a small shuttle whisked through space on course for the fertile blue green planet dead ahead.  From the shuttle’s approach, the terminator could be seen as a scar dividing night and day, the dark side of the planet dotted with brightly-lit cities. 
“We are ahead of schedule sir,” said the pilot as he glanced behind his back at the three passengers.  “We will land half an hour early.”  Upon confirmation of a Supreme Commander warping into the Forward Operations Base on Lanatara, a shuttle had been sent out to ferry Canes to the planet.
“Very good,” replied Supreme Commander Canes, pleased with the pilot as he turned and smiled at his colleagues.  “I like surprises, especially ones like this.”  He turned back to the pilot.    “I trust that the Supreme Commander from each war theatre will be present to meet me?”
“Yes sir, they’ll be awaiting your arrival, although they were quite surprised that you left your fleet as far out of the system as you did sir,” commented the pilot.  His co-pilot looked over and confirmed a few numbers.
“Very good, that will be all,” said Canes, flippantly dismissing him with an idle wave of his hand.  Canes and his colleagues had been reassigned recently and had made it a point to arrive unannounced.  The government of the Hegemony was not pleased with the state of the war in this galaxy and had chosen to send in Canes and his generals to clean it up. 
The pilot turned away from the legendary passengers he was ferrying to the planet and watched as two squadrons of fighters approached, and took up escort formations. 
“Ahh our escorts! Too bad, it means they are more ready for our arrival than I wanted,” Canes sighed as he looked out the porthole at the two squadrons of fighters taking up escort positions.  “No matter, the outcome will be the same.”
“Very much so,” replied General Wolf, who was Canes’ right hand man and trusted second in command.  “It must be bad if the Proctoran agreed to send us here so quickly.  To pull us off the Eridrian conflict…  Do you have any idea what is going on?”
“No, all Top Man would say is that he was displeased and any review of reports and such left more questions as to their authenticity,” replied Canes, winking at Wolf with is deep blue eyes.  “Typical dolt he is.  He also reported Lons and Skardo were dead.  I think that is what shook him up the most.  One of these days we should just seize power and do away with him.”  Canes looked out of the window in the shuttle briefly, taking note of the extremely large fleet and multitude of battle platforms.
“I had forgotten how this galaxy looked and felt,” commented General Vega, the third man in Canes’ party.  “It’s so weird returning here after seven hundred centuries.  It’s hard to believe we are home, at long last.”
Canes turned to Vega, his other trusted man.  “You’re right on that old friend.  But remember:  she is a cold, heartless bitch that turned her back on us, as did our friends,” replied Canes as the shuttle shook briefly when it entered the atmosphere of the planet.  “It’s too bad Lons and Skardo aren’t here to meet us.  We never did find out what exactly happened to them in the Lonsation colonies.  They just kinda disappeared and were assumed dead, from what the reports said.”  Canes paused, taking another look out the port hole.  “Seems we are about to land.  We better prepare ourselves for the ass kissing we’re going to get.”
Canes faced the front of the shuttle now, straightening his drab green uniform.  When standing, Canes topped two metres tall, towering over most men.  His chiselled face and mop of jet- black hair, combined with his muscular build had been known to intimidate many a friend and enemy before.
“We are approaching the main landing pad now sir,” the pilot informed Canes.  “We’ll be landing in thirty seconds.”  The shuttle glided effortlessly as it approached the landing pad, slowing with each passing second.  With a small bump, the craft landed on the pad and the boarding ramp lowered.
“Good job gentleman,” complimented Canes.  “I may steal you away permanently into my fleet.”  The three men trod down the boarding ramp and onto solid ground.  Waiting for them nearby was a petite woman in who appeared to be in her early forties.   
Canes approached the woman, directing Wolf and Vega to follow.  As he got closer, he could see she presented exactly as one would expect of a Supreme Commander of the Hegemony fleet: neat, in good shape and her brown hair cropped short.  But her face looked battle hardened, like she had seen one to many people die in this war.
“What is the meaning of your unannounced arrival, Supreme Commander Canes?” demanded the female Supreme Commander angrily.
“You must be Supreme Commander Holly, and these are my first and second in commands: Generals Wolf and Vega,” said Canes, pointing out each one and ignoring her angry tone.  “I’m sure our reputations precede us.”
“I am going to report you to Proctoran Grebbit for this,” threatened Holly.  “Your approach put us all on battle alert.  I had to deploy the fleet away from the planet to intercept what we thought was an enemy attack force.  You did not follow the standard operating procedures.”
Canes waved her off.  “Go ahead, report me to Top Man, he was the one who sent us here in the first place,” replied Cane nonchalantly, using his nickname for the Proctoran.  “However, I think he will be far more concerned to know that I arrived here to find a disgrace.  The placement of my fleet was to test your battle readiness, or lack thereof.  Your ships were way too slow responding; the battle platforms were not even on alert as we approached.”  Canes paused for a moment to allow his words to sink in, before he continued.  “What in the hell kind of operation are you running here?!”  Canes shouted at the top of his lungs, doing his best to bully around a woman of equal rank.  “Don’t slouch, woman, stand at attention!”  Canes stood over her now, looking down at her, a scowl on his face.  Such a weak, pathetic fool, no backbone, thought Canes.
Holly snapped to and stood at attention as Canes circled her.  “I have been sent here to take full command from all of your sorry asses.  Top Man is not happy with the progress you have made in this galaxy in recent months.  You are behind in quadrant four where you are presently fighting the Territories I believe.  The biggest disgrace of all is the number of ships that are around this planet protecting it from nothing.  No one will attack here.  Who is responsible for this?”
“Governor Azote sir,” replied Holly stiffly.  “He feels we’re threatened here.”
“A fool,” spat Wolf.  Holly stared into Wolf’s eyes and met the coldest, greyest gaze she had ever known.  Wolf stood a head shorter than Canes, his own head topped with black, mid length hair.  His musculature made it quite clear he was no man to be toyed with.   Wolf’s ebony skin made him stand out from the other two.  His gaze showed no fear as he looked upon Holly, rather it was more of tolerance. 
If they only knew I was the niece of the Proctoran, she though.  Holly was going to have a long talk with her uncle about these men.  Hero or no, Canes could not come in here and push around another Supreme High Commander.
“Yes I agree with you,” said Vega, grabbing Holly’s chin in his hands.  “And a pretty one too, it would be a shame if she failed to follow orders and disappeared.”  Holly stared forward, trying not to notice the swirl of colours in Vega’s eyes: blue one moment, red the next.  Unlike Canes and Wolf, Vega was slightly overweight, with a bit of a gut hanging over his belt line.  He looked like he did not exert himself at all.  He had short, brown hair that was limp, and laid flat against his head, and he smelled like he hadn’t washed in a thousand years.   “I think we need to make an example of her.  What do you think boys?”
“Enough Vega, enough,” said Canes tiredly.   “You and Wolf get this fleet battle ready.  We have a planet to conquer.  I’m sure Holly here will take me to the other fleet commanders.  If anyone gives you any problems, don’t hesitate to remove them from command permanently.  Understood?” Canes asked.
Both men nodded and re-boarded the shuttle to head up to the battle platforms and prepare the fleet.  “Well my dear, shall we proceed?  I wouldn’t want to keep the others waiting,” said Canes after the shuttle lifted off.  Holly nodded and indicated that Canes should follow. 
Canes took a minute to look around, taking in the sight of the stars above him, and pulled in a deep breath of fresh air.  It had been almost five months since he had been planet side anywhere.  I will definitely have to take time out to enjoy this for a bit when the business at hand is completed.  Even though Canes had left his home galaxy almost eight months ago and had taken most of the time crossing the void between both galaxies, there had been an odd star with planets and one had an atmosphere that allowed him to stretch is legs for a few hours.  His arrival in this galaxy had been quiet; normally Canes would’ve arrived with guns blazing.  But he suspected that he would soon meet other immortals and wanted it all on his terms.  It had given him lots of time to study his enemy.
Canes proceeded to follow Holly into the nearby, multi-storey building, which he took to be their headquarters.  The building had been erected almost two hundred years previously, if Canes understood the dating system correctly on the corner stone he spotted.  Upon receiving this assignment, he had grabbed all the material he could to bring himself up to date on this galaxy.  They entered into a long hall, which had a soaring ceiling supported by pillars.  The floor was composed of an ornate, highly polished marble.  The emblem of the Territories emblazoned in the centre of the floor, rendered in the finest marble from each of the original twenty planets of the alliance had to offer.  Here there was the shimmering black firestar marble found only on the unspoilt Western continent of Veloxora, tiny flecks of crystal embedded within that shone like stars under the proper light.  There was also the brick red blood marble of Sholtan, and the cloud marble of Sterling, white, and pearlescent as a dream, shot through with veins of the purest blue silver, found only on that planet, and hundreds of times more valuable than ordinary silver.  It was from this noble metal that the Supreme Councillor’s chain of office was forged. 
Canes and Holly traversed the length of this beautiful floor, lit from overhead by a golden dome high above, their boots echoing throughout, coming at last to a tall, ornate wooden door. 
Canes paused a moment to look back at the ornate floor of the Great Hall, and said, “Azote should have had his clowns rip that seal out already.  This planet will never be part of the Territories again.  Have it removed immediately.”  He turned his head back to the door.
The guards posted outside stood at attention, only opening the door when Holly indicated they should do so.  Canes peered into the room and spotted a large table where the other commanders sat, discussing current issues.  They looked up immediately when Canes cleared his throat and entered the room.  He could feel fear rolling off of them even at this distance.
“Glad to see you are all here,” said Canes expansively, walking to the head of the table.  He took a seat and put his feet up on the table, and decided to play the name game.  “So let’s see, who do we have here?  No, wait!  Let me guess!  You are Supreme Commander Propoose,” pointing to the young, athletic man on the left with black hair.  Canes turned to the greying, ancient looking man on the right.   “You must be Supreme Commander Troxan,” Canes spoke his name in a heavy serious voice.  Next he stared down to the other end of the table at a young red haired woman.  “And you my pretty little waif must be Supreme Commander Caxlan.”.
“So you know our names, who in the hell are you?” spat Caxlan, ignoring Holly’s signals.  “And just where precisely do you get off on barging in here like you own the place?”
Canes just smiled back at her as Caxlan’s comm unit signalled, knowing exactly what it was about. 
Caxlan answered it.  “Yes what is it?  I am very busy right now,” she replied, shooting daggers at Canes with her eyes.  She listened briefly.  “What do you mean a General Wolf and General Vega are up there taking over command?  Who in the hell are they?  You are not to do anything they say, and that is an order!”
Before she knew it, Canes stood over her, grabbing the comm unit away from her.   She had not even noticed him get up.   “Belay that order! Listen here, you will do as Wolf and Vega instruct you, and this is under my authority.  This is Supreme Commander Canes speaking,” he barked into the communicator before turning it off.
“Now let’s talk, shall we?” Canes said calmly, sitting back down at the table, watching as everyone but Holly recover from his revelation.  “Quite honestly, Caxlan, Troxan, you have nothing to worry about.  Your part of the invasion is going well, except that your ships are here in orbit and not out invading.  How in the hell do you expect to actually win this war with everyone sitting here on their asses?  No need to answer, you know it as well as I do.  What I want to know is what in the hell is going on, Propoose?  Do you think it is acceptable that you have hardly made any advances since you were given your command?  What are your reasons?  In fact, the past five months you’ve had your ass handed to you on a platter.  And given your advantage over Veloxora with part of its fleet missing you still failed to achieve the target.”
Propoose paled and gulped, before answering Canes question.  He knew of Canes reputation of killing people for what he deemed as failure.  Propoose spoke haltingly, “Their present commander, a Fleets Admiral Hawthorne is top calibre, as is his second in command, Lieutenant Fleets Admiral Savage.  We are fighting a war on two fronts now with the Territories, and heavy losses are occurring at the galactic rim.  I need better commanders Canes, I can’t be everywhere.”
Canes peered at Propoose as if he might be a new species of incredibly stupid insect that he was planning to pin to a board in some kid’s bug collection.  “Wrong answer.  Your underlings are only as good as their commanding officer,” replied Canes coldly.  “It is your fault that there are two fronts with these morons.  You blew any chance of winning against them with the loss at Dubrilla and allowing them to attack you at Sigma Six.  No matter, I’m here to replace you on that front.  Your services are no longer required.”  Canes pulled his pistol from his belt and shot Propoose in the chest.  Propoose barely registered alarm before he died, his smoking corpse making a loud thud as it hit the floor.  The other three commanders jumped up and rushed to Propoose.  Canes smashed his hand into the table and yelled, “Sit down!  You will not disgrace yourself by grovelling around that sorry corpse.”  Canes could read outrage on the other commanders’ faces, but ignored it.  “Defy me and you will end up like him.  Take his death as a lesson that you need to make sure you’re doing your job and what you were sent here to do.”  Caxlan, Holly and Troxan went back to their seats, glaring at Canes in anger.
“Now let’s get down to business, shall we?” Canes asked pleasantly, looking around the table.  “I so hate failures.  The only sure way to deal with one is to eliminate it from the gene pool.  That way he can’t pass his faulty thinking onto the troops.”  Canes paused dramatically.  “I have studied the star maps of this galaxy and the political groups known to us on my way here.  I intend to attack Veloxora and defeat this Hawthorne.  Savage I will deal with later.”

Yup Canes means business!!

Monday, June 23, 2014

Novella Versus the Novel - Which Route is Really Appropriate?

This question has haunted many an author through the ages.  What do you do when you set out to write a novel, and well you end up under the so-called word length of a novel, and into the nightmarish region of the novella.  The other question of course, is what happens when you write that novel and find out not only have you written 220 000 words, but shit man, this could be 2 books.  I have run into these issues, as have other authors.  So to return to some technical shit, let's look at these.
The first time I ever ran headlong into a novella was with Stephen King's Different Seasons.  If memory serves me correctly, it was he that talked about novellas. Of course without the internet at the time I read it, all I had was what he said.   But he raised an issue that to some degree has affected me with respect to writing.  I know his solution was to take these novellas and publish them as a collection, thereby getting the length of a novel.  Now nowhere, to date, have I found a definition of a novella with respect to word length, it all just comes down to you look at it and you know it is that forbidden beauty that all seem to fear.
Me, I don't fear it, in fact I embrace it.  Why you might ask?  It solves issues for me quite readily to deal with a novella, and just go look on Amazon at many books:  many are in fact novellas, because with the advent of electronic publications, no one fears it as much as they did in print.  It was kind of silly to put a novella into print (I do this, and with short stories too, but you have to do a special order with me).
Now where has the novella been used with me?  Well let's look at the Anthology of the Guardians series.  They range from short story into that novella range once again, and they are great for selling cheap as electronic publications.   But even if I collapse all 5 works into one book, it is just a bloated novella.  So it allows me to group together a group of stories that otherwise would have to wait for more and gets more of my stories out in a timely fashion.
Triumvirate, Book 2 of the Triumvirate Chronicles is a whole other beast.  The first novel I ever wrote came in at 220 000 words.  As I am preparing it for release later this year, I found it too long.  So I have removed the front story to it (sneak preview coming soon, oh yeah baby), and will release it as a novella, a prequel to Triumvirate (its working title is Conquest and Liberation).  It is not a formal entry, but rather a story cleaning up loose ends, introducing the true antagonist (yeah slipped that by the readers, if you don't know, go buy the book) and setting up for the events that occur in Book 2.  This solved my problem nicely for book length and trying to keep cost down.
So in the new age of writing, there really isn't much to fear with novellas, and sometimes because they are shorter, they get a little more air play and can get more people interested in your writing.  And all of this is made possible with ebooks.  Now this doesn't mean that in the areas I have concentrated on novellas won't ever be full novels, rather it allows me to concentrate novels in one area, while still giving you, the reader, more material in other parts of my timeline.

Well if these guys can do it before ebooks, so can I!!

Monday, June 16, 2014

The Toilet Gnome

The bonus posting for today.  I don't know what it will take for y'all to go on over to www.alexanderdundass.ca, but the hell with it, here is a little thing I wrote while I was collecting data once upon a time in 1998.  It is funny, but only if your mind works the way that this little piece is written. 

So the jist is that it is a series of letters between mother and son, describing a few things going on and new wonder product:  The Toilet Gnome.  It is an extension, if you will, of the classic Newfie letter home.  Enjoy all you perverted souls.  And if you like this shit, go check out my real works.




Dear son,

I hope all is well with you these days. We all really miss you now that you have gone to the big city to work and live. Remember little Suzie Brakenheimer? She was asking about you the other day so I gave her your address so she could write you. Now I know you hated her as kids, but she has really filled out if you know what I mean.

Your father is well these days, but we are having trouble with the toilet son. I am sure you remember what it was like when your father had to go to the crapper. It hasn’t changed since you moved out last week. I did notice that the company you work for had a new kind of product out to unclog the toilet. I have included the add below. If you can, please send us one, it would help out a lot.

Yours truly,
Mom.

New from the makers of the Garden Gnomes.
Ever have a stubborn clog in your toilet?
Has your shit never wanted to leave?
We have the solution for you!!!
Its called the Toilet Gnome. Its guaranteed to shovel that shit
right out of your hair. It even eliminates the need for reading
material while you are taking a dump. Get one now and try it out.
Look for it at your popular hardware store or green house.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,

Sorry to hear about Dad, but you are in luck. When I signed on to the company, they gave me one for free. I have had to only use it once, but it really does work. I have packed him up and sent him to you via courier with this letter. He was not too pleased to be shipping out already, so he may be a bit foul mouthed when he gets there, but I am sure that he will adjust quite nicely.

Thanks for giving Suzy my address Mom. I haven’t seen such a nice set on a woman since my subscription to Playboy ran out two months ago. I always thought it was illegal to send nude pics through the mail Oh well. If you see her, tell her I would like some more of her, this time in black lace lingerie.

Take care.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

We received the package you sent. I am sure glad you sent it courier and not by regular mail, the gnome was really grouchy. But sure enough, within a day, we had to make use of him. I tell you, I have never seen such a little man go to work. And listening to your father laugh at the gnome’s dirty jokes is a welcome relief. He fits in so well, he even rides the dog around the house.

As for Suzy, she said that she went out yesterday and bought that black lace lingerie you requested. She says she just can’t wait to send some more pics to you. You know she has been so lonely since you left. Well I need to go now, your father and the gnome are demanding their dinner.

Mom.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

Glad to hear the little guy is fitting in there at home. And the fact that he and dad get along is great. Dad hasn’t had a friend since he sat on the neighbors dog and had to have it removed surgically. You know I would love to see a pic of the gnome riding the dog. My bosses are interested in maybe using that for advertising.

Wow mom, Suzy is really hot in that black lingerie, and what she was doing with that bed post, well it blew my mind. I can’t get the vision out of my head. She has one really nice rack and that bed post fit into her just nicely. Has she been practicing? Well I should go now, I need to make supper for myself.

Take care.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear son,

Please find enclosed the pictures of the elf riding the dog. He really loves to ride him in front of the fire. The gnome says it keeps his ass warm. Your father and the gnome though had a bit of an encounter. The past day or so your father has had the runs really bad and as he usually does plug the toilet. Well the little guy was in unplugging it, singing his little song and your father had to go again. Well he didn’t even look and all over the poor little guy. Needless to say the gnome ( we call him Egbert now) shoved his shovel up your Pop’s ass and shoveled him clean. Your father was grateful ,but unfortunately cracked a joke about Egbert being a little shit head.

Suzie says hi, and she says if you thought the bed post was impressive, you wait until you see the next set of pics.

Take care and all my love,

Mom

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

Boy does the dog really like being ridden by Egbert. I never knew that a gnome could have a dick that big and could fit it in the dog. But for some reason, the company people here don’t want to use Egbert riding the dog as an ad campaign. Oh well. I hope Dad and Egbert are getting along better. I mean these gnomes are designed for such emergencies as happened.

Tell Suzie I am impressed with the pop bottle. I had no idea she could make it disappear the way she did, and to have it go in empty and come out full. Wow, she is one sexy woman.

Take care, you loving son.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Son

Thing are back to normal now. You’re dad and the gnome are best of friends again, hugging and making up before they go into the washroom. We had Suzie over for dinner the other night. Boy is she classy son. I could see you why you want her so much. Even good old Eggie took a liking to her. They got along so well, and well I just couldn’t resist joining in. She told me that she would send you the video. Its great, it was like a birthday party.

Well take care son, hear from you soon.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

That is one impressive video you sent. I thought Suzie was impressive with the bed post, but repeating it with Egbert, that was impressive. I would’ve never though that a gnome could fit in there. And you are looking better than ever, you even seem to be sagging less. I had no idea that Suzie was that kinky, but all the better for me. I took the video into work to show some of my buddies and they want more. They are even willing to pay for it. If this works out, then maybe I can come home.

Your loving son.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear son

The making money off of videos would be good, but we had a wee bit of an accident with Eggie. We were kinda hoping you could send another toilet gnome. Your father had another accident with him. He went into do his business and well Eggie got stuck up where the son don’t shine. Well you know how your father is, well he threw a fit and well sat down, inserting Eggie for the full nine yards. By the time the paramedics got poor Eggie out, it was too late. The poor little guy. Suzie was so upset and well I miss him. We gave him a fitting burial by cremating him and flushing him down the toilet. I hope you can help

your loving mother

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom

Sorry to hear about Egbert, but we have a problem. The company has decided to stop selling the toilet gnomes on the market and they are all being recalled. Seems they saw the video and started crying over how the product was used and how happy it made your lives. I just don’t understand why they would pull it when they were so happy at what they saw. The tears of joy were so evident. So I guess that means I have to stay here then.

Your loving son

P.S. Can you ask Suzie to send me more pics?
 





I shall avenge Eggie....